


Retrograde

by redmorningstar



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, F/M, Groundhog Day, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Redemption, Not Canon Compliant - Star Wars: The Last Jedi, POV Kylo Ren, Present Tense, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Throne Room Scene, Time Loop, Time Travel Fix-It, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 13:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14545680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redmorningstar/pseuds/redmorningstar
Summary: His grandfather’s lightsaber splits and the world goes white.Kylo wakes up back in his room on the Supremacy. Not a dream then. He paces the room, his thoughts racing. Someway, somehow, history is repeating itself ... but to what end?-Something is forcing Kylo Ren to relive the same day, over and over, until he gets it right ... if he can figure out whatrightis.





	Retrograde

**Author's Note:**

> I've always been enchanted with the idea of time loops and Groundhog Day shenanigans. Any excuse to put our protagonists through terrible angst, right? Here is my take on it, though I fear I did not do the idea justice.
> 
> I always enjoy hearing from my readers, so any comments would be love. If you are on tumblr, follow me on [redmorningstar](http://redmorningstar.tumblr.com).

His grandfather’s lightsaber splits and the world goes white.

Kylo wakes up in his room on the Supremacy. He sits up, heart racing with panic and urgency. How did he get here from the throne room? _Where’s Rey?_

He feels for her presence and finds it, no longer millions of light-years away, but drawing ever closer. Relief courses through him, steadying his shaky breathing, but when their minds touch something makes him pause. Rey is sending her feelings to him, her hopes and fears; the moment feels familiar, like deja vu and he realises suddenly that he has _felt this before_. When he closes his eyes, snatches of time replay under his eyelids in vivid detail: he can remember the look on her face in the elevator, the path of her tears down her cheeks, the sound of his own heart as he held out his hand. It had _felt_ real, but it can’t have been so. Just a dream or a vision, though one unlike any he has experienced before.

Kylo dresses and leaves his room, pushing aside the agitation prickling under his skin. Soon he will see Rey again. He can’t let the tricks of his mind distract him from what he must do. For her sake, he can’t afford to.

 _She will leave you_ , he tells himself, traitorously, _just like everyone else. Just like you dreamed._

 _No._ He stamps down on the voice of his doubt. Rey will stay with him; she _has_ to. The alternative doesn’t bear thinking about.

When he reaches the hangar and the pod opens, something in his chest constricts when he sees her. Rey looks at him, her eyes bright with hope. He wishes he could speak to her, to take her hand like before, but he is all too aware of the ears and eyes around them. She frowns when the Stormtroopers cuff her but does not resist. Instead he watches, motionless and expressionless, as she moves to stand before him. Kylo walks her deeper into the starship, his grandfather’s lightsaber in his hand, and every step feels uncannily familiar; it makes the uneasiness he felt upon waking return stronger than before. As they stand side by side in the elevator, his mind races, trying to make sense of it all.

“ _Ben_.” He looks at her, startled from his scattering thoughts. “When we touched hands, I saw your future. Just the shape of it, but solid and clear.” She steps closer to him and he knows what she is going to say even before she says it. “You will not bow before Snoke. You’ll turn.” Her eyes and voice are tender, imploring. “I’ll help you. I saw it.”

This is the part where he says something. Where he tells her that he saw her parents when they touched hands. But all he can do is stare at her, unsettled and unnerved, because everything is unfolding exactly as he dreamed. Something is happening here, more powerful than any vision or prophecy, but what does it mean? Perhaps it is a challenge sent to test him; if so, he does not intend to fail.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” she asks, her brow quirked in concern. He frowns. In his dream, she never asked him that. The elevator doors slide open, interrupting him before he has a chance to dissect it. Instead, he focuses on burying all that he feels deep inside, where his master won’t see. He knows their lives depend on it.

“Well done, my good and faithful apprentice. My faith in you is restored.” Kylo brings her before Snoke and watches silently as his master toys with her. Snoke taunts her with his words, finds the cracks within her mind, and _presses_. Even as Rey screams, he does not move a muscle. He reminds himself that it worked in the dream; he waits, though something inside him screams with her. After Snoke has taken everything he needs, Kylo levers his lightsaber at her chest as he is bid.

“I know what I have to do,” he tells her. Without hesitation, he ignites the lightsaber, cutting his master in half and killing his true enemy. For the first time since he was a child, the voice in his head is gone; Snoke is dead, undone by Kylo’s hand, and still he can hardly believe it. Rey stands, looking at him like no one ever has, but there is no time to absorb the magnitude of it all because the Praetorian guards are at their heels, hungry for blood. Kylo and Rey fight them back to back, a deadly synchronised dance. The blood sings through his veins with elation and hunger; he feels invincible with her by his side. When the last guard is dead, he feels _it_ again; this girl, this nobody, he can’t take his eyes off of her. He can’t let her go.

“It’s time to let old things die. Snoke, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels ... let it all die.” He holds out his hand, but she looks at him like he is breaking her heart. Even though Kylo has seen where this goes, he can’t stop himself from hoping, from saying the words because _what if?_

“Don’t do this, Ben. Please don’t go this way.”

When he tells her about her parents, the tears track down her cheeks, just as he remembers. He hopes that his dream proves false, that somehow she’ll see something worthy within him and decide to stay. He says to her, “Join me” and “Please.” Her trembling hand reaches out and their fingers almost brush; he wants nothing more in his life than for her to take his hand. Instead, the lightsaber flies from his grip and he can do nothing but try to stop her.

His grandfather’s lightsaber splits and the world goes white.

-

Kylo wakes up back in his room on the Supremacy. Not a dream then. He paces the room, his thoughts racing. Someway, somehow, history is repeating itself, but to what end? He thinks back to his memories and something in them makes him pause. It was _almost_ identical, but not precisely the same. In the elevator, Rey had asked him a question. A small but crucial shift in the scenario, a hitch in the script. It makes something unexpectedly bright spark in his chest: hope, where none existed before. Maybe he is meant to change things. Maybe this time, if he can find the right words, she will _stay_.

Kylo lets the day pass, every moment as it has before. Back in the throne room, when Snoke is nothing but a corpse and the last guard is dead, he watches Rey run to the viewfinder.

“The fleet. Order them to stop firing. There’s still time to save the fleet!” Rey calls out, urgently. It cuts at him to see her tied to the people he can't forgive. If Kylo shows her what he sees, what he has known, then surely Rey would not choose them over him.

“Rey. Forget about the fleet.” He looks at her, not in anger, but in supplication. “Do you think you belong with them? They will turn and betray you. Just like they did to me. They’ll see the darkness in you and it will make them afraid.” He feels the resolve in her shake.

“Ben. Do you really believe that?” she asks, her expression heartbroken.

“Yes.” He hadn’t lied about Luke’s betrayal before and he isn’t lying now. “I don’t want you to be hurt by them. Join _me_ , Rey.” Kylo holds out his hand to her as tears spill out down her cheeks. He could reach out and grasp her hand, keep her with him by force, but that would defeat the purpose; he wants her to _choose_ him. Rey reaches out and the saber goes flying from his other hand. _No_. Again, she chooses the Resistance over him. Again, she rebukes him. Kylo flings forth his power, desperate to stop her.

His grandfather’s lightsaber splits and the world goes white.

-

He wakes up. He knows everything hangs on that knife’s edge moment, knows there _must_ be some way to get through to her. He doesn’t want to see that heartbroken look on her face again.

Back in the throne room, the air burning around them, Kylo closes the distance once more.

“Rey. When we touched hands, I know you felt it, too. The dark side can give you what you crave. The power to keep your family by your side. The power to never be left behind again. The power to make anyone who ever hurt you pay.”

“Don’t do this, Ben. Please don’t go this way.”

“ _Why_ are you denying it? I know you feel the pull. Give _in_ to it,” he pleads, desperate. _Come to me._ This is the last thing he can think to give her. If she refuses him now, he doesn’t know what else he can do. 

“I don’t want _power_ , Ben. I just want-” Rey shakes her head, eyes hard, and he knows he has lost her. “I thought if I went to you, it might be enough. That you might let go of your anger and hate and the dark side. I was _wrong_.”

She reaches for the saber and it flies towards her, but he can’t let her have it. Like before, Kylo tries to hold the saber with all he has. Like before, it is not enough.

-

He wakes up. Over and over and over again. No matter what he offers, no matter how he tries to convince her, Rey never stays. The day resets and he has no idea how to make it _stop_.

 _She sees the darkness in you_ , he thinks to himself, viciously. _That is why she always leaves. Why she always_ will _._

Doubt eats at him as the walls of this trap close in. Maybe he was wrong to ever think he could change his fate.

Standing side by side in the elevator, Rey whispers to him, “I’ll help you.” Kylo looks at her, emotions roiling with longing and despair.

“No, you won’t,” he says, the words like ashes in his mouth, “all you do is leave.”

When the time comes, Snoke’s voice is exultant as he goads Kylo to strike her down. He levers his lightsaber at Rey and everything except for her face fades away. He has deliberated this choice since he woke up. Maybe this is how it is supposed to end. Maybe he is never meant to escape his tormenter and maybe she is never meant to survive. Her eyes are filled with tears. His hand, which was always steady before, quavers. He wills his hand to move, to press the ignition and end this, but he _can’t_.

“Pathetic.” Snoke’s voice shocks him from his thoughts. Kylo looks up as Rey is pulled back in the air, dangling before him. “Again you disappoint me, my apprentice. I give you chance after chance and still you fail. Nevermind. The girl will die, even if you do not kill her.” Snoke’s grip on Rey becomes a choking force, making her gasp and sputter. “Now sit silent and watch.”

No, no, _no._ This is not what he wanted. He tries to lift a hand to fight against the power of his master, to _stop_ this, but he is pinned in place, unable to move. He can only watch helplessly as Rey kicks and struggles feebly in the air. He watches her face as it transforms from anger to fear and panic. The strength in her limbs begins to fail before she finally becomes still.

Snoke releases his hold on the both of them; Kylo falls to his hands and knees, and Rey crumples to the floor like a discarded toy. He reaches for her with his mind and finds only an absolute emptiness where she once was. Something tears within him, sheared clean in half, and he knows that he will never be whole again. Kylo brings his saber up and points it at his own neck. A flash of searing pain and then nothing.

-

He wakes up. _Fuck_. Kylo gives in to the urge to destroy, tearing at the furniture in the room, reducing it all to smoldering rubble. He can’t let that happen again. He _won’t_. If Rey dies, it is all over for him.

When he sees her again in the hangar, it takes everything in his power not to take her into his arms and never let her go. This time Kylo leads her past the elevator, down into the depths of the ship. When they reach the escape crafts, he unlocks her shackles. Rey rubs her wrists and looks at him with bewilderment.

“Listen to me. You have to hide your presence or he'll find us.” She looks uncertain. “You can do it, I know you can,” he reassures her. She is as strong as he is and a faster learner by far. She is everything he wishes he could be. If they get out of this alive, he wants to tell her that.

“Where are we going?”

“Far away from here.” Hope blooms on her face, honest and bright. Her small hand finds its way to his arm, gripping it with an unexpected force.

“I _knew_ you would turn, Ben. I knew it wasn’t too late,” she says fiercely. He can feel her relief coursing through both of them like a current. Kylo wants to let himself be swept away by it, but it is too soon for him to believe.

“Let’s go.” In the escape craft, he takes the pilot’s seat and Rey sits in the co-pilot chair. They fly away from the Supremacy, slow and careful, Kylo barely breathing the entire time. They are almost far enough to jump away when the klaxon begins to blare a shrill warning.

“Ben, they’ve locked their weapons on us!” Rey calls out, but he already knows it is too late. Snoke’s voice in his head is the last thing he hears before the blast hits.

_I cannot be betrayed._

-

He wakes up. Self-loathing churns in his blood and his hands won’t stop shaking no matter how hard he clenches them.

 _You failed her. She died again, because of_ you.

He can still feel the heat of the blast in his memories as they both burned into nothing. Maybe this is punishment for his sins, to live in this hellish loop forever, always watching her leave him. How foolish he was to think he could ever hold her, that she could ever be his. Monsters like him did not deserve such things.

Standing side by side in the elevator, this time Kylo closes the distance between them. Rey looks up at him, startled, but does not flinch or pull away. He reaches out and touches her face, lets himself drink in the sight of her. Everything he wants is embodied in the girl before him. He wants to protect her, to keep her whole; if he could only do that, it would be _enough._

“Rey,” he starts, but he doesn’t know where it ends.

In the throne room, when they are only ones left alive, Kylo puts his grandfather’s lightsaber in her hands, closing her fingers over it with his own. Rey looks up at him with confusion.

“You know what you have to do.” Her lips part in surprise. She shakes her head, a violent denial.

“Don’t do this, Ben,” she whispers.

“It’s the only way,” he tells her. If his death will end this cycle, then so be it. If she lives, it will have been worth it.

“No, _no_. This isn’t the future I saw.”

“I’m tired, Rey. So tired of all of it.” He pulls her and the saber closer until it rests against his left breast. If she presses the ignition, the blade will pierce his heart and it would be over in an instant. A merciful quick death. “Please.” There are tears tracking down her face in a path he knows by heart. She looks torn apart. He knows it isn’t easy, but this is the way she can help him.

“No.” Rey lets go of the lightsaber and backs away. “I _can’t_.” She runs away from him, leaving the lightsaber in his hands. Kylo slumps to his knees as the last vestiges of hope slip through his fingers.

 _Don’t leave me this way_. Through the port he sees the escape craft carry her away into the blackness of space. Impact hits the Supremacy, splitting it in two, and he falls into the darkness.

-

He wakes up. The same damned day. The same damned ending. Fight or flee, it doesn’t matter because nothing changes. Kylo is tired to the bone of fighting.

“I’ll help you,” Rey whispers to him in the elevator. After all this time, he isn’t sure if he can be helped. He looks into her eyes, earnest and clear, and wishes this moment could last. In this space between breaths, before anything is lost or broken, where she doesn’t hate him yet.

When the battle is over, Kylo stalks towards her. Her eyes show fear, but Rey doesn’t turn away from him. He stops in front of her, close enough to touch. He has bartered and begged, he has fought and raged, but he has never _asked_ before.

“What do you want from me?” He has lived this day and had this conversation countless times and he still hasn’t found a way to make her _stay_. “If not the galaxy, if not the truth about your parents ... then what? _Tell me_ ,” he asks, desperate. Rey shakes her head.

“I told you back on the island. Didn’t you hear me?” His eyes must betray his confusion because her eyes soften. She takes a step closer. “You’re not alone. Your family is in those ships and they’re waiting for you. _I’m_ waiting for you.” A single tremulous hand reaches up and touches his face, over the scar she put there. “Ben, there’s nothing for you here. If you come with me now, I won’t let you go. I won’t abandon you or leave you. I’ll hold you as tightly as you hold me.” Her eyes fill with tears, this time for _him_. “We don’t have to be alone anymore.”

Could it be real? This simple request, almost too simple to be true. No, that’s a lie; if she had asked him the first time, he wouldn’t have been able to listen to those words. But somewhere in having lost her in so many ways, time and time again, all of his doubts have burned away. Now Kylo knows the truth; all the power in the galaxy would be meaningless without her by his side. He takes off his glove, puts his hand over hers, and lets her feel everything he feels. _Acceptance._ The tears in her eyes spill over, an expression of pure relief breaking over her face. For a moment they stand there, neither moving or speaking. He wants with every fibre of his being to see this future play out, but it’s not over yet. He doesn’t dare let himself hope it could be over, not until they are far away from here. Explosions continue in the distance, bringing him back to the present. First, he has to deal with the fleet. Kylo steps past her to the control terminal and opens comms to the bridge.

“General Hux, the Supreme Leader orders you to stop firing on those ships immediately.”

“ _What_? Is this a joke, Ren? I don’t believe it.” Hux’s voice is sharp with outrage and disbelief.

“Believe what you want. The order stands,” Kylo repeats, firmly.

“...We’ll see about that.” The transmission cuts out. Despite Hux’s misgivings, the firing stops, but Kylo knows it’s simply a stopgap, not a solution. He turns to her.

“Hux will be here soon, with troops. We should leave.” Rey nods. He leads the way to Snoke’s escape craft with bated breath, waiting for the day to reset at any moment. This time, nothing splits them apart. This time, she takes his hand and doesn’t let go. They enter the escape craft together and time continues on, unhindered. They fly away from the Supremacy, slow and careful, but there’s no klaxon warning this time.

“Shouldn’t we jump away?” Rey asks when Kylo makes no move to fly further away from the Supremacy.

“No. We wait.” They hang in space. A bright flash of light and the Raddus slices through the Supremacy like a knife. Rey looks at him, in wonder and astonishment, like she can’t quite believe it.

“...Did you _know_ that was going to happen?”

“I’ll explain later.” After the iterations he has lived through, there is so much to tell. Much later, when the dust has settled and they have a moment to be alone, he will tell her all that has happened. Her fingers squeeze his reassuringly.

“We have time,” she says. Her smile is small, but it warms him like the dawn of a new day.

Yes. _Time._ The road ahead will be hard, but Kylo knows he has been given more chances than anyone to be set on the right path. At last, the future stretches out in front of him, unknown and unwritten. He won’t waste it.


End file.
